Vince’s challenge yesterday made me rethink some things.

I’ve already come to realize that there are a lot of things I need to change perspective on. But I don’t need to let God turn my life upside down; God has turned my world upside down several times since my husband and I moved to southern Massachusetts and started our lives at St. Paul’s. 

Over these past few years, I’ve often felt discouraged. I’ve often felt like God takes every little plan, every dream, every aspiration, every little possibility that I’ve wanted to pursue, and tears it to shreds. Sometimes it seems like God’s challenging me to try and do something, just so it can get torn up again. It isn’t hard for me to think that God will take my plans and my dreams and turn them upside down.

But, obviously, this doesn’t mean that I’ve arrived at a good place as far as that goes. My expectations of God and his ability to turn things upside down have an underlying problem: I think God’s out to get me. And I think God finds me insignificant in the broad scheme of things.

In some ways, this can be traced back to a lack of faith.

First, I have a lack of faith in God. I say I believe his Son loved everyone in the world so much that he died for us. I say that Jesus cares, that he listens, and that he answers prayer. But sometimes that becomes lip service, where I say these things, but when it comes down to it, I doubt, and I accuse.

Second, I have a lack of faith in God’s vision for me. It’s like God finds some problem in my aspirations every single time, and he keeps cutting me down to size, just to remind me that it’s useless to have goals or dreams.

Both of these problems have an element of truth and basic humanity in them: it isn’t wrong to express or feel doubt, and it isn’t wrong to acknowledge our futility and weakness apart from God. But there is a problem when our doubts dictate our relationship with God, and when our self-defeat paralyzes us, spiritually and existentially. 

It’s true that outside of God, my goals are useless. But I need to trust that this is because God’s goals for me are bigger and they are better.

For instance: I used to think Jeff and I moved to the area so I could go to graduate school. Now, several years after the fact, I can see that we moved here because of St. Paul’s. St. Paul’s is a church family that has loved, supported, and helped us grow as people, and it put us in a position to serve others and spread Jesus’ love and message. And that is important. While graduate school is fine and everything, and while things like master’s degrees and PhD’s are impressive to the world, they pale in comparison to the things that matter to God.

In the same way that Mary’s expectations for her own life paled in comparison to becoming the mother of Jesus, my plans for my future are nothing compared to what God has planned for me. And I need to trust Him on that. I need to believe in His grace. I need to put my faith in Him.  

There’s one more type of “difficult person” we are called to love. The disappointing person. The person who regularly fails us again and again. The person who lets us down over and over. The person who continues to wrong us repeatedly.

How do we love disappointing people? We forgive them.

Love keeps no record of wrongs.

This means we don’t rehearse their wrongs over and over. Not to ourselves. Not to other people. Not to the offender.

If you’re continuing to rehearse how the offender hurt you over and over and over to yourself, you haven’t forgiven them. If you’re continuing to rehearse how the offender hurt you over and over to other people, you haven’t forgiven them. If you’re continuing to rehearse how the offender hurt you over and over again to the offender, you haven’t forgiven them.

Love forgives. Love forgives disappointing people. We cease rehearsing their record of wrongs. We release them from having to pay for what they’ve done. We forgive.

But here’s what forgiveness doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean we must forget. It doesn’t mean we must resume the relationship. I’ll post two more blogs on these issues.

But for now let’s remember: love forgives. How do we love disappointing people? We forgive them. Love forgives.

A Post from Vince.

What the $%#@!  No obscenities?  Yep.

Paul writes:  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths” in Ephesians 4:29

A few verses later, Paul says:  “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk, or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.”  Ephesians 5:4  

No unwholesome talk means no obscenities.  For some of us this is difficult.  The habit is ingrained.  So here are some ideas to help.

First, simply agree with Scripture.  If you believe that speaking obscenities is bad, you’ll be motivated to stop.  If you believe that speaking obscenities is fine, you’ll have no motivation to stop.  So agree with scripture.  Agree that no obscenity should come out of your mouth.

Second, have an alternative in mind.  You’re going to have to say or do something else instead of spewing bad words.  You’re going to have to replace the bad habit with a good one.  You can find a substitute word.  Some people choose silly ones.  Ask yourself:  would I rather sound silly or vulgar?  You can yell:  ARRRRGGGGGG!!!  I find that one works great for me.  But it tends to scare others.  You can simply take a breath and state:  I’m mad.  I’m upset.  I’m frustrated.  That’s of course what we’re trying to communicate, but lazily and poorly through obscenities.  Or you can come up with your own alternative.  But you have to have an alternative in mind.  It’s much, much easier to get rid of a bad habit by replacing it with a good habit.       

Third, ask others to help.  Sometimes people don’t even realize what words are coming out of their mouth.  Ask others to point out when you’re speaking obscenities.  Ask others to help.

Fourth, you can celebrate progress.  The fact you read this blog already is a step in the right direction.  So don’t worry about achieving perfection.  That’s not happening.  Just try to make progress and enlist people to help you who have the same mindset.  If the people you’ve enlisted to help are discouraging and always pointing out your failures, then just tell them to “insert your substitute” off and find some other people to help you. 

A Message from Vince.

One application of loving one another with our words is to avoid speaking obscenities.  We’re also to avoid swearing and cursing.  But while we use these terms interchangeably, the Bible does not.  It’s kind of a pet peeve of mine, so just humor me.

We should not swear.  This means we should not make oaths.  I swear by this I’ll do that.  Jesus teaches us to simply let our yes be yes and our no be no.  No oaths.

We should not curse.  This means we should not wish and call down evil upon another person or persons.  Jesus teaches us to bless, not curse even our enemies.  No curses.

We should not use obscenities.  This means we should not speak “bad words”.  And I think we all have a good idea of what these “bad words” are, so I won’t list them.

I do pretty well on the no swearing and the no cursing--not so well on the no obscenities.  I’ve got a plan but that’s for another post.

A message from Vince:

In Sunday’s message we talked about how to love one another with our words.  My words are not for me.  My words are for you—for your benefit.  That’s what Paul teaches in Ephesians 4:29.

One application of this teaching is to avoid gossip.  Gossip is listed in several sin lists in the NT.  Clearly we are to avoid gossip.

But what is gossip?  Gossip can be defined as idle talk, and rumor, especially about the affairs of others (see dictionary.com).  But I think a better and clearer definition of gossip comes from the Proverbs.

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.  Proverbs11:13

Gossiping is betraying confidences.  It is repeating what someone has shared with you without his or her permission.  And we are not to do that.

For example:  Joe shares with me some marital problems he’s having.  I then share with someone else Joe’s marital problems without his permission.  They in turn share with someone else who shares with someone else who shares with someone else.  Pretty soon, the whole church knows about Joe’s marital problems.  And of course the details have been exaggerated along the way, so now Joe and Betty are getting divorced due to the outrageous (untrue) behaviors of both parties.  And none of this talk has helped Joe or his wife Betty in the least. 

So the way to avoid gossip is to keep confidences.  If Joe hasn’t given me his permission to share his marital troubles with others, then I don’t have it.  I keep it to myself.  If I don’t know if Joe has given me permission to share his marital troubles with others, then I don’t have it.  I keep it to myself.

If I’m second, third, fourth or some other link in the gossip chain, and I don’t know if Joe has given permission to anyone, then I keep it to myself and tell the person to stop gossiping.

But doesn’t Joe need prayer?  Of course.  But I won’t betray Joe’s confidence.  I’ll ask him if I can share his trouble with our prayer ministers.  If he says yes, I’ll pass his trouble along.  If he says no, I won’t.  Period.

Often in churches, gossip masquerades as concern:  “Did you hear about Joe?  I’m really concerned about him.  Why?  Let me tell you.”  Often in churches, gossip masquerades as prayer requests:  “We really need to pray for Joe.  Why?  Let me tell you.”

Let’s not do that.  Let’s not gossip.  Let’s keep confidences.  To “help” someone against their will is no help at all.

Are there exceptions?  Of course.  The proverbs offer general wisdom which works most of the time.

But what if the person has confided something really serious?  So serious that you don’t feel like you can or should be silent.  What do you do?

Then you should encourage the person to share with his or her pastor.  Pastors have a lot of experience with this kind of thing.  You encourage the person to share with their pastor.

But what if they won’t?  What if they refuse?  Then, you have a tough choice to make.  You can break the confidence and share with his or her pastor.  Or you can remain silent.  Either way is tough.  But if it were serious, I’d take my chances, share with the pastor, and risk the relationship.

There are times when I’ve broken confidences myself, and I'm a pastor.  I’ve had a few occasions where I’ve had to call the police because the person was in immediate danger to himself or others.  These individuals didn’t given me their permission to share.  But I could not be silent.

Are there exceptions to keeping confidences?  Of course.  But they are few and far between.  So let’s follow the wisdom of the proverbs.  Let’s love one another with our words.  Let’s keep confidences, and not betray them.