A Post from Vince.

What the $%#@!  No obscenities?  Yep.

Paul writes:  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths” in Ephesians 4:29

A few verses later, Paul says:  “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk, or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.”  Ephesians 5:4  

No unwholesome talk means no obscenities.  For some of us this is difficult.  The habit is ingrained.  So here are some ideas to help.

First, simply agree with Scripture.  If you believe that speaking obscenities is bad, you’ll be motivated to stop.  If you believe that speaking obscenities is fine, you’ll have no motivation to stop.  So agree with scripture.  Agree that no obscenity should come out of your mouth.

Second, have an alternative in mind.  You’re going to have to say or do something else instead of spewing bad words.  You’re going to have to replace the bad habit with a good one.  You can find a substitute word.  Some people choose silly ones.  Ask yourself:  would I rather sound silly or vulgar?  You can yell:  ARRRRGGGGGG!!!  I find that one works great for me.  But it tends to scare others.  You can simply take a breath and state:  I’m mad.  I’m upset.  I’m frustrated.  That’s of course what we’re trying to communicate, but lazily and poorly through obscenities.  Or you can come up with your own alternative.  But you have to have an alternative in mind.  It’s much, much easier to get rid of a bad habit by replacing it with a good habit.       

Third, ask others to help.  Sometimes people don’t even realize what words are coming out of their mouth.  Ask others to point out when you’re speaking obscenities.  Ask others to help.

Fourth, you can celebrate progress.  The fact you read this blog already is a step in the right direction.  So don’t worry about achieving perfection.  That’s not happening.  Just try to make progress and enlist people to help you who have the same mindset.  If the people you’ve enlisted to help are discouraging and always pointing out your failures, then just tell them to “insert your substitute” off and find some other people to help you. 

A Message from Vince.

One application of loving one another with our words is to avoid speaking obscenities.  We’re also to avoid swearing and cursing.  But while we use these terms interchangeably, the Bible does not.  It’s kind of a pet peeve of mine, so just humor me.

We should not swear.  This means we should not make oaths.  I swear by this I’ll do that.  Jesus teaches us to simply let our yes be yes and our no be no.  No oaths.

We should not curse.  This means we should not wish and call down evil upon another person or persons.  Jesus teaches us to bless, not curse even our enemies.  No curses.

We should not use obscenities.  This means we should not speak “bad words”.  And I think we all have a good idea of what these “bad words” are, so I won’t list them.

I do pretty well on the no swearing and the no cursing--not so well on the no obscenities.  I’ve got a plan but that’s for another post.

A message from Vince:

In Sunday’s message we talked about how to love one another with our words.  My words are not for me.  My words are for you—for your benefit.  That’s what Paul teaches in Ephesians 4:29.

One application of this teaching is to avoid gossip.  Gossip is listed in several sin lists in the NT.  Clearly we are to avoid gossip.

But what is gossip?  Gossip can be defined as idle talk, and rumor, especially about the affairs of others (see dictionary.com).  But I think a better and clearer definition of gossip comes from the Proverbs.

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.  Proverbs11:13

Gossiping is betraying confidences.  It is repeating what someone has shared with you without his or her permission.  And we are not to do that.

For example:  Joe shares with me some marital problems he’s having.  I then share with someone else Joe’s marital problems without his permission.  They in turn share with someone else who shares with someone else who shares with someone else.  Pretty soon, the whole church knows about Joe’s marital problems.  And of course the details have been exaggerated along the way, so now Joe and Betty are getting divorced due to the outrageous (untrue) behaviors of both parties.  And none of this talk has helped Joe or his wife Betty in the least. 

So the way to avoid gossip is to keep confidences.  If Joe hasn’t given me his permission to share his marital troubles with others, then I don’t have it.  I keep it to myself.  If I don’t know if Joe has given me permission to share his marital troubles with others, then I don’t have it.  I keep it to myself.

If I’m second, third, fourth or some other link in the gossip chain, and I don’t know if Joe has given permission to anyone, then I keep it to myself and tell the person to stop gossiping.

But doesn’t Joe need prayer?  Of course.  But I won’t betray Joe’s confidence.  I’ll ask him if I can share his trouble with our prayer ministers.  If he says yes, I’ll pass his trouble along.  If he says no, I won’t.  Period.

Often in churches, gossip masquerades as concern:  “Did you hear about Joe?  I’m really concerned about him.  Why?  Let me tell you.”  Often in churches, gossip masquerades as prayer requests:  “We really need to pray for Joe.  Why?  Let me tell you.”

Let’s not do that.  Let’s not gossip.  Let’s keep confidences.  To “help” someone against their will is no help at all.

Are there exceptions?  Of course.  The proverbs offer general wisdom which works most of the time.

But what if the person has confided something really serious?  So serious that you don’t feel like you can or should be silent.  What do you do?

Then you should encourage the person to share with his or her pastor.  Pastors have a lot of experience with this kind of thing.  You encourage the person to share with their pastor.

But what if they won’t?  What if they refuse?  Then, you have a tough choice to make.  You can break the confidence and share with his or her pastor.  Or you can remain silent.  Either way is tough.  But if it were serious, I’d take my chances, share with the pastor, and risk the relationship.

There are times when I’ve broken confidences myself, and I'm a pastor.  I’ve had a few occasions where I’ve had to call the police because the person was in immediate danger to himself or others.  These individuals didn’t given me their permission to share.  But I could not be silent.

Are there exceptions to keeping confidences?  Of course.  But they are few and far between.  So let’s follow the wisdom of the proverbs.  Let’s love one another with our words.  Let’s keep confidences, and not betray them.

Our Puritan, New England forefathers and foremothers had this idea about idleness: it was no good. And yes, idleness is not really a good thing. Sloth is one of those deadly sins; we should work, because God wants us to work. A productive life is a good life. We are all on a mission. There are many platitudes about the virtues of work, and keeping busy.

We reward people who clock in 70 hour weeks; they are not wasting their time. They are providing for their families, they have their priorities straight. A full schedule book is what we're supposed to aim for. We need to fill our time, somehow.

But there is a consequence of a life that is filled to the brim with things to do: we are going to be overly concerned with our schedules, and not concerned by what's happening around us.

I found it very interesting when Rick Warren said that the opposite of Sensitivity is Busy-ness. While I am not generally a huge fan of making up hyphenated words, he's right. I had never really thought of keeping busy as a "bad" thing. When we ask someone how he's doing, and he answers, "Oh, you know, keeping busy," we don't turn around and start praying for his soul or anything. His answer is supposed to convey normalcy. That's what our natural state of being is supposed to be.

But filling one's life to the brim with things at the cost of loving others is a problem.

Lately, I've been considering this; things have been pretty hectic and busy, and it's true. I don't have the same time I used to have. I often find myself realizing I haven't spoken with a good friend or immediate relative in weeks... or seen them in months. So much happens in life that it's easy to forget that a lot happens in others', too.

I miss out on some of the good stuff.

But the more pressing issue is that a lot of bad stuff can happen in other people's lives, and I completely miss that, too. And it's important to be aware of that.

I think that the individualistic nature of American culture can shoulder some of the blame here. We're kind of taught that it's our lives, our own little islands, that we need to be concerned about; let others deal with their issues, and we'll deal with ours, and everything's fine. But that isn't really how it's supposed to be.

We do need to step back, take a minute, and take stock of things around us. Because we are meant to be involved in each others' lives, and we do need to be invested in each other. If we're too busy to see when other people need help, then we're not doing such a great job at this love thing. And it's a big deal, since Jesus said so.

On the other hand if we’re talking about a pattern of sin, a major infraction, requiring serious intervention, a large hurt to themselves, then we must confront.  The person is headed for disaster.  And if you care for that person you’d confront for their sake.

But that’s my mind at work.  I also have a heart.  And that’s where things break down for me and probably for you too. 

Sadly, I care mostly for myself.  And so I’ll overlook someone who needs confrontation so long as they aren’t hurting me.  I’ll passively watch someone’s life go down the drains and so long as it doesn’t affect me I’ll say nothing.  But I’ll confront someone for something that should be overlooked because they hurt me.  It doesn’t matter how small the hurt.  They hurt me and must be confronted! 

I don’t like this about myself.  But it’s true.  I care mostly for myself.

Knowing this here’s what I do.  I take the George Constanza approach.  I try and do the opposite of what I’m inclined to do.  If my inclination is to overlook, I seriously consider confronting.  If my inclination is to confront, I seriously consider overlooking.

 I hope that someday I’ll grow into a more loving person who can trust his loving instincts.  But I’m not there yet.  If you are great!  If not, try the George Costanza approach with me.  And do the opposite of your inclination:  confront when you want to overlook, overlook when you want to confront.         

On Sunday, Vince talked about true love: It's a response, it's a choice, it's an action, and it's a challenge. Last night at the teen small group, we watched the first video in the 40 Days of Love sessions, and Rick Warren went over some similar stuff.

A major point that both guys emphasized was that Love should be our Ultimate Goal. It's what we should shoot for every single day of our lives. It doesn't matter what we say, believe, or do, if these things aren't done in love. 

So this made me think things over a little bit.

Generally speaking, I think I do okay in the loving others department, but I realize that often when I am being "loving" to people I am actually just being "nice." But "nice" and "loving" are two different things. 

Because when I really think about people who upset me, try my patience, lie, hurt the people I love, hurt lots of people in general, or even have the nerve to do something like drive a little too slow in front of me when I'm on my way to the grocery store, I'm not so loving. In fact, I'm not even "nice." I get ornery, grumpy, bitter, mean, all sorts of unpleasant things. 

That's kind of discouraging. I mean, I know I should love people, but I don't. And I don't like that. Paul says it well in Romans 7: 19 and 20: "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do -- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

But here's the good news, which was another hinging point Vince and Warren spoke about as far as Love goes: It isn't up to us. We are sinners and we sin, but Jesus died for us, and the Holy Spirit still works in us. We rely on God to love others. Our ultimate goal is to love: Love God, and Love Others. But we can only do this through God.

So yeah, I'm not so good at loving people a lot of the time, and this is not good. But that makes sense. Anyone can love people who are easy to love. It is only through Jesus that we can love the way He wants us to. It is only through God that we can make love our life goal. Through God, we can have perfect love. 

So even though our 40 Days of Love campaign has already started, it isn't too late to join a small group! 

Here's a list of our Fall 2011 Small Groups:

Tuesdays at 7 pm. (Prayer Group). Leaders: Vicki Oldham and Emily Dolan. Location: TBD 

Wednesdays at 7 pm. Leaders: Jeanne Mullaney and VInce Gierer. Location: Mansfield.  

Thursdays at 7. Leaders: Brad and Cathy Wright. Location: Storrs.                                                                        The Buch and Jeram Families. Location: Manchester.                                                                    Teen Group. Leaders: Zara Rix and Emma Liddle. Location: Storrs.       

Fridays at 6:30. Leaders: Emma Liddle and Brandon Hawk. Location: Storrs. 

If you are interested in joining any of these groups, please email Emma Liddle. 

And join us on Sundays!